So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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