I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
