I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
