ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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