Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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