Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
