If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
