So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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