Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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