I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
