Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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