I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
