I'm gonna have a badass scar
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
