I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
