I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
