Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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