chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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