I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
