I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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