I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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