someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
