Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
