Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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