Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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