Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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