if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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