Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
