Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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