I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
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I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.