I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
