Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So apparently I’m into choking now
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
