Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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