Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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