Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
