Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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