so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
