Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
