Only a mothe r could love this liver
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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