your parents love me but you hate me
I think I died a long time ago.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
