I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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