On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
