you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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