i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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