He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He passed out mid-signature
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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