I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
