I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
