Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
