Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
