Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
