when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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