people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
