I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
