She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
