Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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