she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
