I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
