margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
